i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
