I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
