It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
