He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
