I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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