He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
