my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
