So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
