I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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