he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
