I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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