my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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