I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
