Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
