Pants 0. Shit 1.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
