i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
