All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
