Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
