If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
