I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
