its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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