I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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