Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Are we still banned from the library?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
