the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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