Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
