when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
