what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
