I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
