just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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