I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
