Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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