I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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