there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
