When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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