You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
