sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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