I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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