My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
