when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
