My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
