I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
