JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
