just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
