I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
