Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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