Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
