My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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