omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
