he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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