never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
