you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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